loneliness



Right when we got in the van after school Gavin told me that he cried today at school because he missed me :-(  I inquired what he was doing at the time and how he handled it.  He said he was at art class and he was thinking about me and started to cry because he wanted me.  His art teacher asked him what was wrong.  He said he told him that he misses his mama. I felt sad for him, but special that he missed me because I miss him too.  Then...

at dinner he was talking about his day.

"today at recess I saw cole and since we are on the same soccer team I asked him to play soccer with me and he said no thanks.  so then I saw like this second grader and asked him if he want to play catch with a football and he said no.  so since no one wanted to play with me, I went and sat down by myself and watched the rain hit my raincoat and thought about the times when I was a baby at home with you."

I just started to bawl my head off with a mouth full of food.  I ran into the kitchen and tried to hide my outburst.  I felt so sad inside... thinking of my little baby out there all alone in the world.  It really broke my heart!  5 years old just doesn't seem old enough for them to be alone and feeling lonely.  This feeling of loneliness that I have felt without him just surfaced in me knowing that he feels lonely too!

I realize that this is the first step of him becoming independent and his own person... having to face life with out Mama.  And the first step of me letting go and allowing him to grow and become his own Gavin.  I just wasn't ready for it! 

I hold him... just thinking that this probably the end of THIS too. :-(